


Snape's Final Conundrum

by EdgeOfSanity



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Dark humor if you squint, Gen, Light Angst, Light Language, Not Slash, Sirius' general (smexiness) snarkiness, Snape's general (smexiness) moodiness, Some depressing themes, in one room
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-05-05 10:33:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5372117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EdgeOfSanity/pseuds/EdgeOfSanity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when an old enemy of Snape's returns from the dead? His return is not met with open arms, I assure you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Snape's Final Conundrum

**Author's Note:**

> Long story short: I've always wondered, if given the chance, what these two would say to each other after years of deslike and torment has taken a toll on them both.
> 
> Then this happened.
> 
> (Also, this is set the day before the scene in HBP where Snape agreed to an unbreakable vow.)
> 
> Enjoyxx

Narcissa Malfoy wasn't expected until tommorow and Severus Snape could honestly say he was pleased about this as he sat in his small but peaceful living room, opening today's paper as he did almost every morning. It may be mundane and slightly unusual to others had they known, to him it was a sense of security, a false one perhaps, but security no less. Why was he pleased? One could say it is because he would go another day without seeing that batshit insane bitch called Bellatrix Lestrange. Also, he could gravely use a stiff drink later. He was amazed at how Luicus managed to do it in a room full of pretentious and uncouth Death Eaters, and once even the Dark Lord himself. Course, he couldn't make himself look any worse, those dark circles under his eyes were not inherited no matter how many times he assumed otherwise.

That was last week. However, at the very next minute something invaded his line of thought, just as he shifted the newspaper to better suit his view and stirred his own freshly made tea (because real wizards stirred their tea counter-clockwise without magic), a loud bang sounded from the kitchen along with a sharp intake of breath, followed by a string of curses that would put a sailor to shame. He scowled and drew his wand; prepared to hex the complete shit out of whoever dared entered his home.

  
_How did they surpass those blasted protection barriers? If I even glimpse a Death Eater's cloak I'll—Wait..._

  
What. In. The. Actual. Fuck?

"Bloody hell, Snivellus! Can't see a thing with it being so doom and gloom in here. Why is this infernal table practically jutting from the damn wall?"

  
Said 'Snivellus' was thrown momentarily into a strange mix of shock, anger, and something akin to nausea. The usual rot he got from Old Rust Bucket Who Must Not Be Named. Only one other person he knew out of all witches and wizards alike that could bring this pitiful feeling upon stepping into the room.

  
Sirius Orion Black.

  
"What are you doing here? How did you even get in here?"

  
"Well, if isn't Bruce Wayne in the flesh. Hello again. Bet you weren't expecting little 'ol me, huh?" He chuckled. _Death has not made you any more amiable, I see._

  
"Just answer the question, Black," He gritted out Sirius' last name hard enough to make his jaw click.

"And where is your friend, Mr. Conceited himself?"

  
"I resent that, but I'll let it slide due to me being here on business. Its not important how I arranged to be here, its important why."

  
"Couldn't rest until you told me something?"

  
"Basically, yes."

  
Snape clicked his tounge and smirked. This could work in his favor.

  
"Obviously. I understand you two are inseparable. I would've thought it stood even in death."

  
"Enough! I'm…inclined to apologize for my behavior, for both James and I. For everything, I reckon."

"Hmph. Sent his little lap-dog instead, did he?"

  
Sirius closed his eyes out of sheer effort to restrain himself from throttling his childhood adversary.

_This man never ceases to irritate me at any opportunity he can find! I can't afford to let him upset me, not until I accomplish what I set out to do, and then I can hit him all I want. Hard. No. No. Big mistake there. Just need to take a few deep breaths. Right._

"Evidently I deserve that."

  
"Evidently you deserve to have your arse thrown back from which you came. You call this an apology?"

  
"I call this a clear conscious."

  
"Doesn't change the fact that you're dead."

  
"If there is a God..."

  
"Whoops. Didn't realize you'd become receptive in the afterlife."

"Zip it, Sniv—Severus."

"Old habits die hard, so I've been informed."

"You're a bucket of sunshine, aren't you?"

"Are we going to chatter all night like insolent fools or don't you have someone else to harass in the spirit world with James?" Sirius flinched only a bit. But it was enough to catch Snape's attention and he felt regret after the words left his mouth. Possibly just a tinge if asked.

"I am sorry, you know."

"No. I don't know."

"Merlin, Severus. Do you think this is easy for me? Do you think I WANT to come back and watch this disgraceful fucking war destroy my Godson and his friends? Their family? How about the rest of the world while were at it? Voldemort was never one to let any realm stand in his path. Or perhaps I'd rather die in battle, in oppose to that petty veil, and actually redeem myself for once. Given the immoral hand we got delt during our childhoods, I'd say we've both racked up a fair amount of points against us."

"Well, can't argue there."

"I bet you couldn't."

This was beginning to become awkward. And heated.

Additionally, Snape hated when things got awkward and he normally advoided it by stalking off and pretending to have something better to do elsewhere. But alas, this peculiar sitiuation required his full attention and there has be a way to solve it. Just not an easy one.

"You must be here for more than just a confession."

"I assure you, nothing else could possibly be worse—"

"Oh?" The Potion master quirked an eyerow and sneered proudly as he sat next to the mahogany table. Not like he was getting any younger. "Pride does often get the best of us."

"Really, Severus? Really? So we're going to play it your way, are we? I was hoping it didn't come to this. But all right, you asked for it."

Before he could draw his wand again, Sirius had crossed the fairly small space in five steps and pressed his index finger to Snape's temple. First came a bright streak of light blinding his line of vision, then a sharp pain that penetrated through skull as he had a memory so deeply repressed come forth with such force he nearly toppled out of his chair.

* * *

 

_'Let's hang him up in the Great Hall, right above the tree! He'll be our own personal ornament for the evening!'_

_Sirius had just strutted into the Great Hall with James when he spotted his nemesis quickly dashing past them and running to the stairs in a mad hope to avoid his daily tormenting. It was three weeks before Christmas and most of the students ranging from first years to third were focused on discussing what gifts from loved ones would be and how they would spend the new year, while the older students were partially worried about dates for the Yule Ball and stealing a kiss under various misltoes. Which was a convenient cover to reserving their own private makeout spots later without any teachers noticing._

_However, they all shared one thing in common, something that Snape had come to expect but could never stop._

_They didn't care._

_None of them did._

_None of them except Lily Evans, that is. But even she had grown distant and wary, given James' advances towards her where getting harder to ignore each day. Merlin knows what lies that ignorant little twat has filled her head with. And his 'partner in crime' is worse in some ways._

_He noticed Pettigrew and Lupin were not accompanying them as he slowed his pace and kept his eyes downcast in the small chance they would continue walking and forget him. Snape thought this to be ironically funny, or a double-edged sword, the time you wanted someone to forget you is usually when they chose to remember every detail concerning you. It was in this moment that he felt a pair of hands grabbing each of his arms and hauled him off into the Hall. Despite his usual protests and general, very weak, struggles against them both, they didn't loosen their grip. Next to a well-toned Chaser and a rather tall aristocrat who was especially skilled at Charms, his shameful angular form hardly stood a chance. If he could only get to his wand! But Sirius had plucked it from his pocket while he was focused on getting away. Adding further insult to injury, the teachers had an emergency meeting about a possible Heliopath outbreak on school grounds and would be immersed for another hour._

_Although Snape knew they would put him in high regards if he told them Xenophilius Lovegood had made it up. If anyone should be labled a 'freak', it was him. James was already casting Levicorpus when a crowd gathered and he started to panic, he always panicked. It wasn't so much the bullying as the humiliation, he'd become numb to that and had learned to turn himself off during the worst of times. The humiliation seeped inside his very core and made his temper flare, it reminded him of his father shouting at him about why he was born to act like such a worthless shit, while his mother looked on, lost at what to do. He loved her to some degree, but she could be just as neglectful and it made him wonder what he was put on this earth for to make people hate him so much when he came from practically nothing._

_He clenched and unclenched his fists as he imagined some of the nastiest ways to get his tormentors back, and that included an illigal Hex. It was then he vowed that one day he would show them all._

_And that day would come soon._

_Severus Snape would succumb to no one._

_"I'll tell! I'll tell everyone about Remus!"_

_Sirius laughed as the crowd around them started to look mildly confused. He knew their favorite play toy was bluffing to save his skin. "Dare you, Snivellus. Who would believe a rotten snitch like you?"_

_"I WILL!"_

_James stilled. His eyes widening a bit, he understood that perhaps it had gone a bit too far. Besides, what was he really moaning about? They never tried to kill him or anything…save that time in the Shrieking Shack, but he'd made it without a scratch on his negligible greasy head._

_"I swear it, Potter!"_

_He lowered his wand grudgingly and muttered the counter spell Liberacorpus, while the crowd to wondered off disappointed that_ _the show had ended so early. His friend turned to him, clearly annoyed, and asked why he even considering giving in to these ridiculous demands when Professor McGonagall walked in not looking the least bit amused. Thankfully by now Snape stood safely on the floor brushing off his robes and adjusting his pants, which ripped slightly on the side when it snagged against a lone hook._

_"What is this? Potter? Black? What are you all doing milling about in the Great Hall so early?"_

_Snape caught James' eye and wondered if telling her would do any good. If anything, those two would probably get detention and his books thrown in Black Lake. He sighed, what's the point? They scarcely got on ill terms with the teachers and likely would find a way to pin it on him instead, as if his life wasn't already a living hell._

_"I'm waiting?" McGonagall asked impatiently. These three never stayed anywhere together too long without conflict, which meant something was definitely up._

_"We were…only talking, Professor."_

_"Are you sure? Certainly does seem like I walked in on something, Severus."_

_"Honest. We were just discussing…Qudditch." He looked down at his scuffed and worn shoes. A dead give away. Great, that was a very soild answer. Little did she know._

_"Oh? I didn't know you took an interest in sports."_

_"Its…kind of a new hobby."_   
_Sirius snickered and James shoved him, glad she had focused her attention completely on Snape._

_"Right. Well, I suggest the three of you get ready for breakfast." She rushed off; a part of her hoping it really hadn't meant anything except juvenile teasing. Because with no evidence, there wasn't much she could do and going on gut alone didn't make right an unfair punishment. Sometimes McGonagall wondered when Snape would find the courage to stand up for himself more. She stopped for a brief moment to talk to Dumbledore, who nodded at the three boys._

_"You sure think on your feet, Snivellus," James said tauntingly._

_"Yeah, too bad you can't stay on them!"_

_They shared a laugh as he glared; he imagined they wouldn't be laughing if he had thrown daggers. No, they'd be left with a pretty idiotic, jaw-dropping, expression on their ridiculously dense faces. He was still breathing a bit heavily after narrowly getting caught lying. He hardly ever needed to lie when his poignant past, present, and future showed in his very essence._

_"Word of advise, spend some more time on hygiene and less crafting shitty potions."_

_"You don't know a damn thing about me."_

_"Oh, but I do know something; it was worth it."_

* * *

 

"I was wrong, Severus. We did a terrible thing to you, a lot of things actually because what you just witnessed is only the tip of the iceberg, but that memory seemed to stand out the most for you."

This was the first time he could say Sirius appeared genuinely apologetic, if not still reluctant. Conversely, his head was pounding somethin' fierce; therefore it could easily be mistaken for delirium. He rubbed at his temples and squinted. "I'll take your word for it. Did a glimpse of my pathetic self have to be that fucking painful?"

"Ah, sorry about that. Tends to have more of a lasting effect."

There was no point in backpedaling the conversation, he would just have to say it and get it over with. Not a soul on earth would ever know, anyway. And if they did, they will wind up wishing for death.

"I've…I always regretted provoking you. At the Order, I mean."  
There. That isn't too bad. He clasped his hands together tensely.

"Don't worry, I left because you all needed me. Despite my, our, mutual deslike of each other I figured it was more important than sitting at home like a nutter waiting for morning whlist nursing a killer hangover and wondering if I'd ever see anyone I loved again."

Sirius was about to mention he'd never get to take the mickey out of Snape again, but his luck had been pushed enough. He felt a strange tingling in his arms and legs. Holding up his hands he saw a gold light emitting from his skin, causing him to glow and shimmer.

"Mm. I knew there was something I couldn't quite figure out about you, Snuffles." Sirius narrowed his eyes and settled for a nod. _How the devil did he—what am I thinking, he's bloody Holmes himself. Maybe Clouseau._ "I'd say we both have too many issues to straighten out. I guess it's my time, then."

He turned to leave through a thin portal that manifested itself by the doorway. Snape wanted more than anything to laugh at how cliché this whole situation is. But contrary to popular belief, he did have a rational amount of respect for being tactful.

"And Severus?"

"I'm listening."

"Those fuzzy slippers have got to go, son. Have nice life."

With a cautious smile and a rather ethereal _pop!_ which resounded throughout the house, he was gone. Silence once more overtook Snape as he looked at his feet and marveled at how white the eygption cotton ears were this morning; he'd forgotten to take them off after hearing his 'achillie's heel' tear into his kitchen.

Well, Sirius had a right to be jealous, seeing as he couldn't wear anything close to 'broken in' next to these puppies, magnificent as they were.

**Author's Note:**

> Or maybe they would've hugged it out bromance style…
> 
> Yeah. Right.
> 
> I kinda forgot that Snape might possibly still call James 'Potter' in the same disgusted way he does his son. Maybe. A big maybe, but then its no big deal I guess. Btw, did they have a Yule Ball during the Marauder's time? 'Cause that would be kinda interesting and I know its tradition... Anyway, thanks for reading!


End file.
